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7 Bad Ass Tips on Writing Productively

writerWriting may be one of the most difficult jobs in the world. No other job is as dangerous or often lethal as writing (to pride at least). Wielding the mighty pen, clashing with paper, defeating just yourself but growing from it, and waking late the next day to do it all again is the blood call of every warrior scribe.

But constant battle ensures exhaustion, sapping the will to write from the best of us at regular intervals. It’s important to have a healthy training regime against the eventuality of “writer’s block”, so I’ve collected below 7 bad tips to keep your writing productive; like, they’re super bad, so bad they’ll rock your world and really change the way you write. Hopefully for the better.

  7 Bad Ass Tips on Writing Productively

  • Fuck Reading

When you envision your inevitable victory as a writer, are you being handed trophies for having read every book in the next great fantasy series or did you write them? This should be obvious, but writers should be writing, not reading.

Reading is important to children. It helps their weak, tiny, stupid brains grow. When you can’t read, it’s vital to learn how, but it’s also like riding a bike: once you understand, you should get a car and stop playing with kids’ toys.

And consider how much time is wasted while reading. “This person said that and did it like this.” “That guy fell off whatever into her who knows.” Whoooo caaaares, amiright? This is why America loves movies; you can just see what’s happening, who’s doing what and how. If an author must spend time consuming someone else’s content, then TV, film, and video games are far superior methods.

A week of reading can easily be condensed into 90 minutes, with maybe some tits too. Stop burning time reading for more time to write.

  • Let Noise Be Your Muse

Distraction is the bane of productivity and no one suffers it as easily as the penman. Music tends to qualify as a distraction, but there’s fairly even division between writers for and against listening to music while working. I have the ultimate answer. The solution isn’t to do what works for you, but instead to immerse yourself above the ears in the engulfing warmth of pure unadulterated noise.love the noise

Ears gifted us one of our most valuable senses, yet so many are so willing to shun it while writing. Writing is all about taking the world around you, breaking it down, and cooking it into bite-sized bits for the masses. Think of all the morsels you’ll miss due to silence: no traffic noises telling you the mood on the street, no commercials promising the newest bestest thing if you’ll just look for a second, no catchy lyrics to supplant your thoughts.

Without listening to everything, it’s impossible to hear anything important. How does missing out on anything benefit your writing?

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Leveling Up in Life: The Gamer’s Guide to Success

Success is elusive when video games are so much more tempting, but it’s important to achieve success in order to acquire more time for video games. This troubling duality is the essence of life confronted in the Tao.

I’m a successful, brick-jawed, adventurous blogger who loves to game and I’m here to help you become a success too. What follows are the critical skills, achievements worth earning, and talents to strive for to help you succeed just enough so you can feed your digital addiction and get your mom off your fucking back, mom.

Excellence in any of these skills will lead to success, while improving them all, particularly in order, will certainly make you a better, cooler, potentially less odorous individual.

None of this, however, can make up for a goatee.

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App Ideas That AREN’T Worth Crowdfunding

These days, everyone has a great app idea. Most ideas, however, are complete trash. I’d like to add some to the garbage pile!

  • An app that filters your favorite sitcoms so you don’t see holiday specials.
  • An app that only exists to encourage you to eat McDonald’s fast food.
  • An app for downloading a housepet’s ID chip information and replacing it with another pet’s info.
  • A soundboard app of NPR radio hosts and amateur podcasters eating into the mic.
  • A tower defense game where you defend against the endless onslaught of Republican presidential candidates for 2016.
  • A calorie counter that requires you to weigh food on top of your phone, enter a complete range of dietary information from a long list of preconfigured drop downs, and then averages your calorie burn rate after you import pedometer data from a separate app into the diet app. You can also upload a personalized health score to an internet leaderboard, which is actually a requirement as the app doesn’t work without a constant data connection.
  • An app that guarantees calls from your parents always ring until answered.
  • An app that provides any kind of option to pay for porn that isn’t the kind of porn I’d be ashamed to google repeatedly.
  • A score counter that resets every time you check social network notifications, but also logs your attempts and sends you a shameful report at the end of every week.
  • A GPS app with your census data that audibly instructs you repeatedly to drive carefully while black pretty much everywhere in America.
  • The Wisdom of Tom Sizemore motivational quotes app.
  • An alarm that buzzes if you drive past the gym but haven’t actually gone in the last two days.
  • An alarm that buzzes if you go to the gym but only use the hot tub.
  • A barcode scanner for price checking that also simultaneously shows you the balance in your checking account.
  • Nothing But Miley daily twerking tips.
  • An app that constantly scans the environment for leading comments like “I’m not racist, but…” and then emits an intense, screeching frequency so that you don’t hear the rest of the comment and start feeling awkward around that person.
  • A gardening app developed by Monsanto.
  • An app that gets the bartender’s attention by broadcasting at max volume, “HE’S GOT A GUN!”
  • An app that shows you which politicians you can trust by not existing.

These may not be the best ideas in the world, but I’ll take money for them anyway!

Jerry Seinfeld Wonks on Political Correctness

Jerry Seinfeld lamented the state of political correctness on college campuses today during an ESPN interview with Colin Cowherd. When asked if college students are too sensitive in light of recent claims made by Chris Rock and Larry the Cable Guy, Seinfeld responded:

“I hear that all the time. I don’t play colleges, but I hear a lot of people tell me ‘Don’t play colleges, they’re too PC.”

“I’ll give you an example: my daughter’s 14. My wife says to her, ‘Well, you know in the next couple years I think maybe you’ll want to hang around the city on the weekends so you can see boys. My daughter says, ‘That’s sexist.”

“They just want to use these words: ‘That’s racist. That’s sexist. That’s prejudice.’ They don’t even know what they’re talking about.”

When asked, “Does it hurt comedy?” Seinfeld’s quick to answer, “Yes it does. Yes it does.”

However…

Seinfeld isn’t engraving his thesis on the state of politics with “kids these days”, but there are already a handful of problems in this admittedly short excerpt of opinion.

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The Real Problem with Guns

The problem isn’t that guns are in and of themselves a problem, a thorough misconception. When something should be killed, a well-placed shot is absolutely more humane than, say, lethal injection or hanging, and guns are perfect for hunting in cultures that can still argue they need to hunt.

The problem with guns is that they become an extraordinary tool for people to resolve ordinary issues. And the thing about tools is that once you have one in your hand, you are substantially more likely to use it.

Almost every single time, using a gun as a tool leads to someone being maimed or killed where they could’ve been talked down or subdued. The result guns bring is almost never justified no matter how you argue it, because you always have to presume things would’ve gone terribly had a gun not been used.

A great anecdote that came about recently is that video of the white nut job running at a cop with a weapon and the cop doesn’t shoot him. The assailant literally yells, “Shoot me!” and acts accordingly. He even rushes the officer to the ground and into a very dangerous position. You can see the video yourself here.

This has been frequently highlighted in the context of race relations (rightfully so), but there’s an important lesson here about guns:

If ever there was a justifiable circumstance to shoot a man, it was that one. No reasonable person could’ve faulted that cop for gunning that man down., but he didn’t. Regardless of why that is (race, cowardice, etc), that was the better outcome. Now the psycho is in jail instead of dead, he may rehabilitate, and the cop miraculously went uninjured.

The gun served zero purpose in this situation. It did not intimidate the assailant, nor did anything change on the scene until another person arrived. Had the gun been used properly and justifiably, the outcome would have been inarguably worse than it was.

I support the right for well-armed militias to bear arms and for individuals to own them too, because the reason that right exists is still dramatically relevant today. But I don’t kid myself that the true and honest reality about guns is that with almost perfect consistency they result in worse outcomes than would have likely resulted had guns not been involved.

Guns may not kill people (in a ridiculous sense), but they certainly instigate people to kill other people.

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