This is a video compilation of celebrity insults from FOX’s hit show Family Guy.
My hubris demanded I create this article after mocking the original I read on Smosh.com. In that anecdote, there is a valuable lesson about what drives us, about how our pride and arrogance can lead to productivity (and perhaps prosperity) and about how much of an asshole I am.
But, rather than get philosophical how about we just get to it and get mean? Here are 20 of Family Guy’s finest celebrity insults:
Continue on for a text breakdown (including more insults omitted from the video):
Clips are broken down by Season:Episode, the time marker to find the specific joke and a short explanation in case you don’t get it.
Clip 1- S3E2 Brian Does Hollywood
15:07: Samuel L Jackson does porn because he’ll do anything.
4:15: Stewie says he likes Leonard part 6 and Ghost Dad to Bill Cosby. No one likes those movies.
2:50: Joan Rivers interviews Brian at the Porn Awards, but her mic isn’t even plugged in.
(unrelated: My best wishes to Joan River, who at the time of writing is hospitalized in serious condition.)
Clip 2- S3E9 Mr. Saturday Knight
3:00: Margo Kidder loses her mind, as she did in life.
Clip 3- S4E4 Don’t Make Me Over
4:35: Stewie escapes from Kevin Spacey’s basement (insinuating homosexuality, not pedophilia).
9:49: Quagmire dresses like Tommy Lee because he just found out they both have Hepatitis.
Clip 4- S4E12 The Perfect Castaway
6:20: Kobe Bryant gets away with rape. Because that’s what happened. Ugh.
Clip 5- S5E2 Mother Tucker
1:30: Quagmire needs some Jack Daniels’ before crashing through Greta Van Susteren. For those who don’t know, Susteren is actually Mitt Romney’s jawline wearing a wig.
Clip 6- S5E7 Chick Cancer
9:45: Ray Liotta has the skin texture of a decorative Autumn squash.
Clip 7- S6E1 Blue Harvest
1:45: Angelina Jolie kissed her brother and that’s why she and father Jon Voight don’t speak. That’s gross, but it’s certainly more complicated than that. I hope.
12:45: Rush Limbaugh (as himself) depicts a racist prick (himself) even within a fictional fairy universe.
Clip 8- S6E4 100th Episode Special
12:15: Someone tells Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane that Scrubs is better than Family Guy (it’s not), Jay Leno is funnier than Family Guy (he’s not) then that Molly Shannon is funnier than Tina Fey (give me a fucking break; she’s not).
Clip 9- S6E9 Back To The Woods
14:30: Kate Moss truly is a terrible human.
14:15: While not a direct insult, James Woods implies that Reese Witherspoon looks like Meg after barfing.
Clip 10- S7E6 Tales Of A Third Grade Nothing
14:30: Lewis Black (of The Daily Show fame, mostly) shouts a lot.
Clip 11- S7E10 FOX-y Lady
2:30: Ellen DeGeneres has “fishy” breath, which is a really weak knock at her homosexuality.
9:00: Anne Coulter’s vagina is cold enough to be used as a refrigerator, and there’s never anything good in there.
Clip 12- S8E1 Road To The Multiverse
11:35: Seth Green (voice of Chris) co-created Robot Chicken on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, a great show that will probably never even be syndicated to a major network.
1:00: Sideshow freak Half-Man, Half-Clam is just Kim Catrall sitting Indian style.
Clip 13- S8E5 Hannah Banana
1:25: Ellen Barkin and Kelly McGillis are two sex symbols of an older generation that didn’t know how to properly pick sex symbols. That said, mmm Mmm MMM, Ellen Barken *lip bite*. I’m into that.
Clip 14- S8E9 Business Guy
10:10: Jeremy Irons-brand cereal is bland. I love Jeremy Irons, but yeah, he can be boring.
Clip 15- S9E6 Brian Writes A Bestseller
8:15: Hit yourself with a hammer if I have to explain a “Michael Jackson is a pedophile” joke.
Clip 16- S9E10 Friends of Peter G
16:10: Peter gets in a violent car accident and Death confuses his mangled corpse for Rosie O’Donnell. More a statement of fact than an insult. HEYO! ;D
Clip 17- S10E1 Lottery Fever
8:40: Susan Boyle is a delightful singer, but she’s ain’t easy on the eyes, no sir.
11:45: “Anna Pacquin boob does not count as real boob! That’s like looking at a 12-year-old boy!”
Clip 18- S10E4 Stewie Goes For A Drive
19:05: No one watches George Lopez.
This entire episode is a joke about Ryan Reynolds being gay and hiding it poorly.
Clip 19- S10E7 Amish Guy
12:15: Eric Bana was the star of the first CGI Hulk. Remember that movie? No one does, now.
Clip 20- S10E21 Tea Peter
17:30: Ryan Phillipe is trash. That’s just a personal, subjective statement from me. Also, it was a joke on the show. Honestly, I actually like Phillippe just for that one time he punched Sarah Silverman, who I also like. I “like” things in a weird manner…
Special thanks to my friend Ryu for helping me finish this thing.
Check out Smosh’s awful inspiration for this article here. Or don’t click that and forget they exist.