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Musings and articles by Jacob aka Unfather.

6 Hilarious Knockouts and the Lesson They Teach

skyler rose knockoutA knockout is a brutal yet beautiful thing. Frankly, the terrible reality of a good (bad?) KO cannot suppress that innate human desire to leap out of one’s seat and declare, “You got knocked the FUCK OUT!” But there’s often a valuable lesson to be learned from these experiences; it’s just a lot harder to learn it with substantial brain damage. So we spent some time soaking in our own cackle-induced urine to extract valuable lessons from 6 of the funniest KO videos we could find.


6. How to Handle the World’s Most Embarrassing Knockout


Anderson Silva knocks out Forrest Griffin

The Knockout:

At UFC 101, legendary Anderson Silva, one of the best mixed martial artists of all time, met former Light Heavyweight Champion Forrest Griffin in the Octagon. Silva had been catching a lot of flack following a string of fairly boring contests so he was hell-bent on sending a clear message to his critics.

The first two minutes of the fight were uneventful and only a captured kick that sent Griffin sprawling foreshadowed what was about to come. Finally, Silva unleashed his first flurry and knocked Griffin down. Silva then dropped his hands and left them that way for most of the fight, goading Griffin to bring it on any time he stepped outside of arm’s length. Griffin continued throwing, whiffing on every swing as Silva expertly dodged them like a pornographic cameraman on the set of a Bang Bros flick, then countered for another knockdown. Silva assaulted Griffin on the ground, stopped, backed off, and let Griffin up, offering what must have been the most confusing helpful hand ever.

Clearly aware that he was outclassed, Griffin pawed at Silva a few more times before moving in with a desperate combination, the same one he’d been throwing all night. Silva practically meandered away from the predictable flurry and unleashed one light, retreating jab that dropped Griffin in an instant. Defeated, Griffin waved Silva away at the 1:40 mark of the first round.

Tradition demands that both contestants give a post-fight interview before leaving the Octagon, but Griffin was so terribly embarrassed that he bolted out of the ring and into the locker room before anyone could stop him. If you hold a seashell to your ear while standing in that arena, you can still hear the gentle ebb and flow of Griffin’s mournful sobbing as he fled the scene.

The Lesson:

Many, many lessons are offered here, such as “don’t get caught in someone’s attempt to prove themselves to others” and “seriously, don’t mess with Anderson Silva.” Should you decide to ignore the latter, the best advice we can offer is to not throw in the towel. Not because it’ll make you look any worse, but because you’ll need it to wipe away the bloodied tears when Silva makes you cry like a bully who just got his ass handed to him by his victim’s sister.

 


5. Patiently Plump Karate Guy Strikes With Perfect Precision


The Knockout:

There are few things worse than a bully, and few things better than a bully beatdown. In this video, we see two English gentlemen who appear to be arguing over the disgusting baby feces brown trash receptacle nearby. The man in the sleeveless shirt has probably had enough of that eyesore and decides to tell his neighbor so. Chunky Chap’s stoic patience against the sleeveless guy’s aggression is as admirable as it is foreboding. When someone of such stature acts as if they do not fear you, it’s likely because they have no reason to. Maybe they’re hiding a knife, or a gun, or worse yet, karate.

Nothing seems to sway Chunky Chap into action until his turd can is knocked over, at which point he loses his cool. He immediately moves into what can best be described as “I’d Like Another Mountain Dew” kata, which doesn’t seem to intimidate his angrily flailing aggressor. The sleeveless guy makes the mistake of kicking the trash bin one last time and Chunky Chap snaps. With one perfectly timed prod of his meaty appendage, he confidently drops the sleeveless bully.

Unsure of how he got there, the aggressor scoots backwards across the ground and off the property, then stands and simply walks away because, apparently, that’s it: matter settled. Then, in what we believe must be the only perfect visual representation of “closure” ever caught on film, a spectator watching from behind the fence reaches over it, careful not to make the mistake of setting foot on Chunky Chap’s property, and slowly but surely closes the gate. Matter settled.

The Lesson:

It’s hard to decide what the most important takeaway is here. The easy answer is that one shouldn’t attack people who willfully position themselves in such a ridiculous manner before fighting you, but that doesn’t seem right because 99% of the time that’s exactly when you should feel secure in attacking someone. So we guess the lesson here could be that English food is so bad, it even gives inanimate objects that sickly British pallor.

 


4. Unstoppable Boxer Goes Down Swinging, and Doesn’t Stop


The Knockout:

In 1995, Vincent Pettway defended his IBF Junior Middleweight title against Simon “Mantequilla” Brown. Brown was viewed as one of the best pound-for-pound fighters in boxing at the time while Pettway was considered a reliable but unspectacular boxer. Most saw this as a sure bet for Brown, but they clearly hadn’t traveled into the future and read this article, perhaps because they found online pornography first and masturbated themselves to death.

In the 6th round of the fight, Pettway caught Brown with a gorgeous left hook that shut off Brown’s lights but left the motor running. Brown flopped back onto the mat and immediately began pawing at the air like a newborn kitten. For at least 15 seconds (the video ends prematurely, much like a Cracked editor’s orgasm), Brown continues to throw punches from the supine position despite being entirely concussed. When the ref finishes the 10 count, Brown is still swinging. We would love to know what was going through his mind at that moment, but it was probably just loose bone fragments.

The Lesson:

Not unlike a cockroach, it seems as though destroying a boxer’s head may not be enough to shut down its primal responses. Muscle memory is certainly doing its job here. Should you ever find yourself needing to eradicate a boxer, we suggest napalm. Lot’s of it.

 


3. Fighter Learns Why Video Games Are a Terrible Way to Learn How to Fight


The Knockout:

Empire Fight League is one of the many institutions that essentially acts as a sieve for MMA hopefuls who don’t have what it takes to make it to the big leagues. Case in point: Dan Lariviere.

Lariviere faced Dan “Bad Intentions” Capony at EFL 4, probably while filled with starry dreams of a bright future in MMA and other misgivings about his talent. Apparently bored with the steady yet rather ineffective exchanges throughout the fight, Lariviere got it into his head to try something risky.

Before we continue, you should know that the floor of a combat ring is typically made of a wooden foundation topped with some kind of arguably softer padding wrapped in canvas. However, the padding is hardly thicker the awful rug on your dining room floor (seriously, it looks like vomit took a dump in your house). Fight fans are probably familiar with the sound emitted when someone suddenly meets hard mat. That definitive crash obviously isn’t the same noise goose-down makes when you flop onto it.

So when Lariviere flung both his legs at Capony only to smash back-of-head first onto the ground, knocking himself out, rest assured that he was not overreacting. He was too busy hemorrhaging internally. Capony, as surprised as anyone else, simply shrugged and walked back to his corner as though he was unsure of what to do with himself at that point. And as someone in the YouTube comments mentions, it also looks like Lariviere gave himself a left cross as he hit the ground, which is just gravy atop the mashed potato that used to be Lariviere’s brain.

The Lesson:

Don’t even try something this crazy unless you are 99% sure it’s going to work and not kill you in the process. Otherwise, someone may film you pissing every last ounce of your martial credibility all over yourself when you lose bladder control.

 


2. Boy: 0, Log: 1


The Knockout:

Not everyone gets to experience the joy of getting the crap slapped out of them in a professional environment. Sometimes, people ruin their own shit just dicking around on a farm.

Take ol’ Johnny Logloather here (probably not his real name). Lord knows what beef he has with this branch, but damned if he isn’t gonna settle the score by drowning it. “Watch this, bay-bay!”, he demands, and so we ready ourselves. Logloather roars and hurls it into the creek, but, in a moment of beautiful irony, the log spins and manages to catch him in the back of the head, knocking him out cold with a deafening “thunk!” that makes us pee ourselves a little every time we hear it.

Johnny’s buddy seems to have mixed feelings about this. He proclaims, “He’s dead, mother fucker!”, yet seems rather entertained by this real possibility. Were Johnny and Camera Joe on bad terms? Was this a conspiracy between Camera Joe and the log to assault Johnny in the least likely way possible? Whatever the case may be, Camera Joe is clearly enjoying the sight of what may be the first illegal knockout between a boy and a branch.

The Lesson:

The lesson here appears to be “keep a camera rolling at all times”, because you never know when your dumbass friend is going to clean his own clock for the enjoyment of over 100,000 viewers.

 


1. Sexually Assaulting a Mixed Martial Artist is a Bad Idea


The Knockout:

Heath “The Texas Crazy Horse” Herring is not a man to be taken lightly. He competed in both the UFC and Pride FC, a Japanese organization with rules that are considered completely illegal in all 50 states, such as stomping a grounded opponent. But his foe Yoshihiro Nakao, apparently never one to take things seriously, decided to test his luck against the Crazy Horse.

Herring and Nakao were scheduled to battle at K-1’s “Dynamite!!” New Year’s Eve show in 2005. Moments before the fight was to begin, they faced each other for a ritual stare down that quickly went awry. Nakao, possibly enthralled by Herring’s rustic beauty, pushed his face up to Herring’s and then gave him a quick peck on the lips. Ostensibly unamused, Herring punched Nakao right in the kisser and put him on the ground.

Nakao looked like a flashbang had exploded in his face and was unable to recover. Herring was disqualified, but the ruling was later changed to a no contest as both Nakao and Herring were deemed to have committed fouls. Apparently, toying with your opponent’s emotions was illegal in K1.

Afterwards, the cornermen from both sides brawled over the sucker-kiss and had to be broken up by authorities. Nakao would later go on to claim the nickname “Kiss”, making him the most heterosexual entity to use that moniker in all of human history.

The Lesson:

Molesting a mixed martial artist is not a wise way to remain conscious. If you must, try to get permission first. Or, at least, health insurance and a Last Will and Testament made up.


 

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