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App Ideas That AREN’T Worth Crowdfunding

These days, everyone has a great app idea. Most ideas, however, are complete trash. I’d like to add some to the garbage pile!

  • An app that filters your favorite sitcoms so you don’t see holiday specials.
  • An app that only exists to encourage you to eat McDonald’s fast food.
  • An app for downloading a housepet’s ID chip information and replacing it with another pet’s info.
  • A soundboard app of NPR radio hosts and amateur podcasters eating into the mic.
  • A tower defense game where you defend against the endless onslaught of Republican presidential candidates for 2016.
  • A calorie counter that requires you to weigh food on top of your phone, enter a complete range of dietary information from a long list of preconfigured drop downs, and then averages your calorie burn rate after you import pedometer data from a separate app into the diet app. You can also upload a personalized health score to an internet leaderboard, which is actually a requirement as the app doesn’t work without a constant data connection.
  • An app that guarantees calls from your parents always ring until answered.
  • An app that provides any kind of option to pay for porn that isn’t the kind of porn I’d be ashamed to google repeatedly.
  • A score counter that resets every time you check social network notifications, but also logs your attempts and sends you a shameful report at the end of every week.
  • A GPS app with your census data that audibly instructs you repeatedly to drive carefully while black pretty much everywhere in America.
  • The Wisdom of Tom Sizemore motivational quotes app.
  • An alarm that buzzes if you drive past the gym but haven’t actually gone in the last two days.
  • An alarm that buzzes if you go to the gym but only use the hot tub.
  • A barcode scanner for price checking that also simultaneously shows you the balance in your checking account.
  • Nothing But Miley daily twerking tips.
  • An app that constantly scans the environment for leading comments like “I’m not racist, but…” and then emits an intense, screeching frequency so that you don’t hear the rest of the comment and start feeling awkward around that person.
  • A gardening app developed by Monsanto.
  • An app that gets the bartender’s attention by broadcasting at max volume, “HE’S GOT A GUN!”
  • An app that shows you which politicians you can trust by not existing.

These may not be the best ideas in the world, but I’ll take money for them anyway!

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