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How to Hold a Purse Like a Man

happy men with pursesBro, you’re a straight nance holding your girl’s purse like that. By the top of the strap hung low like a real man’s sack? That might as well be your purse it fits so naturally on you, and that’s why you didn’t wanna hold it in the first place.

tom brady man purseI get it it though, what could you do? You hold her bag, she holds yours, amiright? The cost of regular vaginal encroachments generally exceeds a bag holding and so you argued with only a silent stare before conceding. But you don’t know how to hold the thing, which is ironic because now you’re holding it like you know what you’re doing: ladylike.

No, don’t pinch it out in front of you like it’s a bag of dog poop, you puss. This is happening now, don’t put up a stink like a distraught little boy.

sad man lap bagShould you be so lucky to have a seat, perhaps you lap the bag, to the casual observer as if to hide an erection. Now you look invested. Wouldn’t want anyone to get away with your tampons this week, would you?

What can you do? Butch up, for one, you bottom.

how to hold a purse like a manTwo, take the bag straps in your fist like Ben Hur, chariot-style. Fold the arch of the straps so that you’re grabbing two lengths bent at the top, not one length looped over your palm. When you hold the bag up, it should hang down your as enemy’s skull from his spinal cord; such was the way of our forefathers. This position is also perfect for hammering a potential mugger with the bag. Just remember to swing from the side into the temple for the best odds of knocking an eyeball out.

There. Now that you know how to hold a purse like a man, you can tend your manly duties without shedding your masculinity. You’re still a nance, but at least it’s not so apparent now.

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