Valentine’s Day is lurching ever closer, it’s soaking jet-black hair draped over it’s brow to conceal the terrible monster hidden beneath. As a miserable single guy who absolutely detests social ceremony, it’s a day that only serves to make me more miserabler. So, in the spirit of giving myself some company, I came up with some text for depressingly truthful Valentine’s Day cards. I thought they were kinda funny when I wrote them, but, rereading them, I think I may have overshot the “depressing” mark a little…
Still, feel free to use these on any cards you may feel inclined to give to people you hate, with the caveat that copyright law says I can hunt you down and take your stomach out with a spatula if you try to distribute them for profit.
Enjoy these depressing Valentine’s!
“I just like to see you smile, even if it’s a pitiful smile because we both know you’re not interested in me.”
“Here’s a card because I like you or whatever. Really though, I’m just super depressed and afraid that if I don’t participate in this activity I’ll be socially ostracized, pushing me further into a downward spiral that I’m afraid I can’t climb out of. So, happy Valentine’s Day.”
“If I had any balls I would’ve left you years ago, but I don’t so here’s a treat to distract you from our day-to-day agony.”
“Earning your affection is my last-ditch attempt at joining normal society. Please, for the love of God, do not reject me.”
“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I know I don’t tell you that enough, but I don’t want you to realize how far out of my league you are. Seriously, don’t leave me or I’ll kill myself.”
“I hope this gesture doesn’t ruin the tentative romantic engagement we’ve had thus far. I get the impression we’re not vibing well, but I really need to get my rocks off before I lose my fucking mind.”
“I’ve never loved anyone more than you. That shouldn’t be creepy just because we’ve never spoken to each other before.”
“You’ll be in my heart forever, or at least until the desperate loneliness finishes me.”
“Without you weighing me down, I might be able to get back on my feet again. But, for some reason, I think I’ll let you keep holding on…”
“Your warmth cascades over me like heat from a beating desert sun. Your passion sings louder than a sea of volcanoes vomiting in sequence and your love crushes me like a star falling from the heavens. I know you hate soaring metaphors, but I used them to avoid hurting your feelings because I cannot keep these complaints to myself anymore. Also, please stop making those mouth noises when we’re watching TV.”
“I’m pretty sure we’ll be alright, eventually.”
“I often think, ‘this is a love that will last forever.’ Today is one of those days!”