A knockout is a brutal yet beautiful thing. Frankly, the terrible reality of a good (bad?) KO cannot suppress that innate human desire to leap out of one’s seat and declare, “You got knocked the FUCK OUT!” But there’s often a valuable lesson to be learned from these experiences; it’s just a lot harder to learn it with substantial brain damage. So we spent some time soaking in our own cackle-induced urine to extract valuable lessons from 6 of the funniest KO videos we could find.
Nothing makes me feel less normal than articles describing consumerism. I really can’t relate to the desire for novel possessions anymore, and it doesn’t help that these articles often weep pop-culture references that I usually find hollow or worse. But, at the same time, they also make me think, “A lot of people seem to like this. Am I missing something?”
Video game testing is the kind of job most people automatically assume is wonderful. Getting paid to deathmatch, teabag co-workers, and overdose on free caffeinated drinks for at least eight hours a day sounds like a raucous good time, many might say. People seem to forget that game testing is still a job and, like any job, it comes with its fair share of mind-numbing objectives and office drama. Sure, game testing is chest-slappingly easy and arguably more fun than a typical job, but don’t convince yourself that you’ll love it until you’ve tried it.
In fact, as a lifelong gamer, I’ve come to fucking hate game testing. Having worked for a few different companies on more than 10 titles (mostly uncredited), it’s left me with a distaste for monotony and pure, boiling hatred for inefficient policy. Many great things about game testing exist, but they come with a price that, for irritable people like me, far outweighs the benefits. So, in the spirit of the holidays, here are my top reasons working as a game tester suckles moist cat balls.
It’s sometimes surprising if not downright amazing what social networking can do for you. I really only joined Twitter to compliment fortytwo points with some real-time updates and I never thought it would actually lead me anywhere I cared to be. This part’s not surprising, but I was wrong.
As I investigated my few followers in an effort to determine how crazy they must be to have taken an interest in my Twitter account, I found that one of them (at least) probably isn’t an individual. Instead, they turned out to be a gaming service.
Despite the toll spent reading CSS, Windows networking and Eckhart Tolle books, I’ve managed to squeeze in some video gaming recently. When the Battlefield Heroes servers came down for maintenance recently however, my routine was interrupted and I had to find something else to enjoy. Along came X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and I was relieved.
It’s good to see Raven Software’s kept their standards of quality consistent over the years, and Wolverine does not fail to deliver in the quality department. Thanks to the action-paced gameplay, you really get a feel for what being Wolverine could be like, and holy shit is it awesome (most of the time).
Valentine’s Day is lurching ever closer, it’s soaking jet-black hair draped over it’s brow to conceal the terrible monster hidden beneath. As a miserable single guy who absolutely detests social ceremony, it’s a day that only serves to make me more miserabler. So, in the spirit of giving myself some company, I came up with some text for depressingly truthful Valentine’s Day cards. I thought they were kinda funny when I wrote them, but, rereading them, I think I may have overshot the “depressing” mark a little…
Still, feel free to use these on any cards you may feel inclined to give to people you hate, with the caveat that copyright law says I can hunt you down and take your stomach out with a spatula if you try to distribute them for profit.
Enjoy these depressing Valentine’s!
“I just like to see you smile, even if it’s a pitiful smile because we both know you’re not interested in me.”
“Here’s a card because I like you or whatever. Really though, I’m just super depressed and afraid that if I don’t participate in this activity I’ll be socially ostracized, pushing me further into a downward spiral that I’m afraid I can’t climb out of. So, happy Valentine’s Day.”
“If I had any balls I would’ve left you years ago, but I don’t so here’s a treat to distract you from our day-to-day agony.”
“Earning your affection is my last-ditch attempt at joining normal society. Please, for the love of God, do not reject me.”
“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I know I don’t tell you that enough, but I don’t want you to realize how far out of my league you are. Seriously, don’t leave me or I’ll kill myself.”
“I hope this gesture doesn’t ruin the tentative romantic engagement we’ve had thus far. I get the impression we’re not vibing well, but I really need to get my rocks off before I lose my fucking mind.”
“I’ve never loved anyone more than you. That shouldn’t be creepy just because we’ve never spoken to each other before.”
“You’ll be in my heart forever, or at least until the desperate loneliness finishes me.”
“Without you weighing me down, I might be able to get back on my feet again. But, for some reason, I think I’ll let you keep holding on…”
“Your warmth cascades over me like heat from a beating desert sun. Your passion sings louder than a sea of volcanoes vomiting in sequence and your love crushes me like a star falling from the heavens. I know you hate soaring metaphors, but I used them to avoid hurting your feelings because I cannot keep these complaints to myself anymore. Also, please stop making those mouth noises when we’re watching TV.”
“I’m pretty sure we’ll be alright, eventually.”
“I often think, ‘this is a love that will last forever.’ Today is one of those days!”