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A little bit better than the average blog.

Tag: satire

7 Bad Ass Tips on Writing Productively

writerWriting may be one of the most difficult jobs in the world. No other job is as dangerous or often lethal as writing (to pride at least). Wielding the mighty pen, clashing with paper, defeating just yourself but growing from it, and waking late the next day to do it all again is the blood call of every warrior scribe.

But constant battle ensures exhaustion, sapping the will to write from the best of us at regular intervals. It’s important to have a healthy training regime against the eventuality of “writer’s block”, so I’ve collected below 7 bad tips to keep your writing productive; like, they’re super bad, so bad they’ll rock your world and really change the way you write. Hopefully for the better.

  7 Bad Ass Tips on Writing Productively

  • Fuck Reading

When you envision your inevitable victory as a writer, are you being handed trophies for having read every book in the next great fantasy series or did you write them? This should be obvious, but writers should be writing, not reading.

Reading is important to children. It helps their weak, tiny, stupid brains grow. When you can’t read, it’s vital to learn how, but it’s also like riding a bike: once you understand, you should get a car and stop playing with kids’ toys.

And consider how much time is wasted while reading. “This person said that and did it like this.” “That guy fell off whatever into her who knows.” Whoooo caaaares, amiright? This is why America loves movies; you can just see what’s happening, who’s doing what and how. If an author must spend time consuming someone else’s content, then TV, film, and video games are far superior methods.

A week of reading can easily be condensed into 90 minutes, with maybe some tits too. Stop burning time reading for more time to write.

  • Let Noise Be Your Muse

Distraction is the bane of productivity and no one suffers it as easily as the penman. Music tends to qualify as a distraction, but there’s fairly even division between writers for and against listening to music while working. I have the ultimate answer. The solution isn’t to do what works for you, but instead to immerse yourself above the ears in the engulfing warmth of pure unadulterated noise.love the noise

Ears gifted us one of our most valuable senses, yet so many are so willing to shun it while writing. Writing is all about taking the world around you, breaking it down, and cooking it into bite-sized bits for the masses. Think of all the morsels you’ll miss due to silence: no traffic noises telling you the mood on the street, no commercials promising the newest bestest thing if you’ll just look for a second, no catchy lyrics to supplant your thoughts.

Without listening to everything, it’s impossible to hear anything important. How does missing out on anything benefit your writing?

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We Should Space Jam ISIS

president obama ISIL address

In September of 2014, President Obama outlined his strategy to counter the expansion of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL, formerly known as ISIS) across Syria, Iraq and the Middle East. He proposed crushing pressure by reinforcing the Iraqi Army and Syrian resistance fighters on either side of ISIL, denying their financial resources and tactically air-striking vital targets without sending American troops on combat missions.

However, the following February Obama sent an Authorization for the Use of Military Force request to Congress to address the growing ISIL threat, making it near certain our troops will engage. US special forces are already on the ground in Syria. It’s only a matter of time.

This is a terrible fork in the road. If we send troops, we will suffer tragedy and expend resources on further engagements abroad. If we don’t, it’s feared our allies won’t finish the fight and many will die horribly while ISIL expands its vicious empire. The atrocities they will commit are already apparent online.

We need a non-violent solution to this problem, but it must be effective and absolute in defeating ISIL’s belief that they can win against the world. We must demoralize them on terms that will forever prove the might of the free against violent oppressors.

To truly win against them, we should challenge ISIL to a Space Jam.

space jam logo

Huh?

With Congress’ approval, the US would formally challenge ISIL to an all-star game of basketball, or rather streetball to keep in the spirit of the classic ’90s film Space Jam featuring the Looney Tunes and Michael Jordan swan diving from the height of his credibility. But we won’t be able to play all our best ballers. We know what happens at the Olympics; no one’s going to agree to those terms. (more…)

Flatulent Bartender Brings Relative Quality Boost To Panama Bar Cafe

CHICO, CA – Patrons of Panama Bar Cafe are in for a special treat with the introduction of a startling new garnish. Drink queefing has come to the Northern Valley, freshly imported from our neighbors beside The Bay.panama bar cafe internal

Driving this new fad is Panama bartender Jessie Hughes, her slim frame deceptively harboring a “metric fuckton of fluff”, she beams proudly.

After filling an initial order, Hughes squats approximately three inches above the glass so that her inner labia lightly tickle its rim, and with a flex and a grunt she windsocks a near-solid emission into the drink, giving it a “distinctly savory and memorable” flavor, Hughes says. Also described as “spicy” and “pungent”, it brings new meaning to the old soldier’s adage, “Rather a barmaid’s noxious trench than the battlefield’s.” (more…)

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